Masks in the Mirror

I think I've always been driven by recognition. To some degree, I think much of my actions are partially motivated by a desire to be seen by others. Such desires are of course common, even possibly innate. How many times have you heard a child say "Hey, look at me!"? However, I've recently realized that my childish longing for attention did not leave when I left childhood. I've simply gotten better at hiding it. In some ways, this blog is itself a cry for attention.

Not to say that I haven't matured at all since childhood. God has and is continually growing me and healing me. But now and then, some new revelation occurs and I'm reminded that I am still a very broken person. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I should be perfectly in control of every aspect of my life. I learned that if I acted the right way, I could fool everyone into believing that I've got life pretty well in control. The more people recognized me for my accomplishments and successes, the more important it became for me to be successful. Eventually, it wasn't just others who thought I had life pretty well figured out. Wear a mask long enough, and you'll forget that the face in the mirror isn't actually your own. The story of my childhood and adolescence is a story of the creation of such a mask. Growth into adulthood has been a story of finding the man beneath. 

What I've described so far is what has led me to the journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. From the very first moment that we come into contact with this broken and hurting world, we are broken and hurt by it. But what lies ahead is restoration! God invites me into a healing process that both brings me back to my own authentic identity and brings me back to right, wholesome relationship with Him. This process is often difficult, challenging, and painful because it requires that I remove my masks and unveil my deepest wounds. But it is always, always worth it. It's a story that we're all familiar with to some degree: the only things worth reaching for in this life are not free, and we must choose into the work to get there. This choice is always the hardest. God invites us on an adventure, but it is our choice to join in and engage with the opportunities in front of us. True, I wholly believe that choosing into God's healing is always worthwhile, but when the rubber meets the road, it is never to say yes to a difficult journey. 

So, here I am. On blogger. I guess I hope that this can be a public journal for me. As I live life alongside you all, as God continues to invite me into new challenges and new healing, and as I continue to struggle to say yes, I hope to share a bit of that story. I want to share my thoughts and my struggles as authentically as I can, because I believe that God will speak to me as I write, and that He may speak to others through my journey. We are already walking this journey together, but this blog may hold opportunities for us to encourage and challenge one another. So join me; engage, comment, email me! My hope is that there can be conversations created from this blog.

God bless,
Jason

Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.



P.S.

Some of you may recognize much of the above as a discussion of the 'false self''. If you're unfamiliar with the term, I highly recommend you find out more. Here's a link I found off of a quick google search that explains the true/false self much better than I can: http://www.neomysticism.com/false-self.html